Take the weight off me now
by hiddendaisy1821
Summary: He finally felt his body moving, not towards the person who could represent his salvation, but back to the shadows. The darkness was inevitably calling him. He was a coward, unable to face those he wronged. Not even the one who deserved it the most. "You're just going to walk away, Merlin?"


**Disclaimer**: I own nothing.

**Summary**: He finally felt his body moving, not towards the person who could represent his salvation, but back to the shadows. The darkness was inevitably calling him. He was a coward, unable to face those he wronged. Not even the one who deserved it the most. "You're just going to walk away, Merlin?"

**AN**: I've been bored and missing these two so I wrote a little something. Unbeta'd so feel free to point out any mistakes you find. Otherwise enjoy!

-MM-

History tends to repeat itself. More than that it seemed some things were inevitable and that was the cruelest thing of all. So cruel in fact that after all these years and miles he's crossed he found himself siting on these steps gazing upon his enemy, one that haunted his entire life.

It was for a moment a bitterness he could taste in his mouth, lingering on his tongue and making his blood boil. That was how she left him - the curling of his insides, twisting and convulsing at the mere sound of her name.

Through all these years he's often feared as he waited for his king to raise again that he would see her again at one point or another. And then other times he let himself think it wouldn't be so bad if it would remind him of those feelings and that time before it all fell apart.

No matter what, as he gazed upon her from this small distance he could see the kind of ridiculous thoughts that reminded him of earlier days, better times mostly forgotten and covered with the still edge of a razor sharp sword. They made mistakes and there was no turning back. If only he could convince his heart as well as he could do with his mind.

As he watched her engrossed in her world sitting on the bench across the street, reading a novel of some sorts he couldn't help but wonder - would it be so bad if he just crossed over, introduce himself and just enjoy that spark and connection he only ever felt with her? This time, without pretenses. Who they were card would be on the table for both sides to see. The clear setting of hurt, betrayal and pain that devastated their former life could be avoided or mended to some degree.

Still the cloudy day didn't leave much for hoping, it was as if it projected his whim. It showed how hard it is to see the clear blue sky and after all maybe a slight change to his usual attitude as of late to just roll with the clouds was needed, as the grey color seemed to overflow in every part of his life. An overwhelming power that flowed through him, the ability to cast so many colors and all he saw was grey.

It didn't change the fact that maybe he was as irredeemable as she once was. Years of practice told him he was no better, a pagan in the eyes of God. Still, he got comfortable with his sins, he knew them as they knew him. A familiar demon clawing on his walls and perhaps he will need more than a simple sight of what could have been to change his tarnished road.

Mighty and noble, so righteous on every path. A warlock like no other and now he could laugh at his own hypocrisy and delusion, that belief he was above all. Now in the back of his mind he knew that the darkness and shadows from which he made his moves were no better than the blackness and evil of her deeds.

Sudden warmth hit his face and he looked up to see the sole ray that had somehow fought through the thick cloudy sky to shine the bright light on the small plaza. Well what do you know, maybe there are some changes coming to his life after all.

His body felt heavy, sluggish and torn but he will make this first step and do her the courtesy he never felt she needed before. Now he knew better. As he got closer to her the book in her hands showed its title and he couldn't help but laugh at the irony of it all.

The Arthurian legends.

A smile stretched on his face because no matter how hard you fight the inevitable circle it will come around on you and as his steps take him a small distance from her he couldn't help but wonder if she didn't long for the same thing.

Sweaty palms and nerves on the edge of breaking he felt as if the world was about to end or start anew. Which will it be, he didn't know but he felt it deep in his bones. Mainly things would be no different if he just continued walking, self-wallowing was something he was good at. He practiced it over the years into a bloody mastery.

As he watched her engrossed in a book, faraway from this world, he thought maybe it was better to just turn around and leave her to the oblivious joyful world. But it wouldn't be that easy, convincing the heart as he already learned.

What it comes down to is do you really want to face the person who caused you so much grief. He certainly wouldn't but still his feet were firmly planted on the pavement, not willing to move an inch.

The warmth was spreading through slowly, the rays of sun were fighting their way through the landscape. He could feel it and it was an amazing comfort. It was time for him to extend the branch that he never got to give her. The chance that stole away from all the good she could have been. Now he was years and upon years smarter but it led him to a simple truth. He has made a mistake. He was wrong.

So maybe it would be better if he just walks away and leaves her out of contact with the poison he so willingly spread. Hearing her bitter words isn't something he could handle at this time, those moments of torture that somehow never ended and he had lived them since he couldn't face that simple truth.

He finally felt his body moving, not towards the person who could represent his salvation, but back to the shadows. The darkness was inevitably calling him. He was a coward, unable to face those he wronged. Not even the one who deserved it the most.

"You're just going to walk away, Merlin?"

The voice that haunted him and stopped him in his tracks. He could feel the sweat chilling his back. It was time to pay the piper. Even now, he couldn't turn to face her.

"I didn't want you to see the face of the past that never should've surfaced in the first place."

The silence stretched and he couldn't turn around to look at her. The same figure, dark hair and green eyes that haunted him. He was a coward still.

"Isn't that for me to decide? Shouldn't you be threatening me not to stray from my path or else?"

He could practically imagine her grinning, eyebrow raised in question, challenging him and it wasn't long before a small smile appeared on his face. He really loved her fire, the one that matched his so well.

"You know me. I always liked to drawn my own conclusions."

It felt good to talk to her, to finally be himself not the person he wanted the world to see, but the one he was.

A scoff could be heard and he knew she wasn't pleased with his answer, but that was the thing. He never felt like he could give her whatever answer she needed, before or now.

"Look how well that turned out. Maybe it is time for me to take charge, since you are obviously clueless as ever Merlin."

A million reasons of why it shouldn't be so swirled in his head, but all his body did was exhale and shrug of the enormous weight it was under and turned towards her. She was radiant in her self confidence that only ever came to shine when he was involved and he wouldn't have it any other way. The smile she gave him was enough to bring out the happiness he only ever felt in those first moments at Camelot.

"I believe you may be right." he agreed to her obvious surprise.

She regarded him carefully and then took a small step towards him, squinting her eyes and trying to understand what was so different about him.

"Why won't you say my name, Merlin?"

There it was. As much as he wanted to say it, he purposely avoided to because it made it all too real. There would be no denying it anymore; he'd have to face her. His own faults and mistakes of the past he so longed to change. Paying it any more attention than he absolutely had to was more than enough.

"Because I couldn't bring myself to Morgana."

It hurt beyond belief so why would he let himself go through that again. No, he left that hell behind once.

"Well you will need to get over yourself if you want this to lead anywhere. I can't deal with another tortured Merlin version. Who knows where that would lead me to."

It's not that he didn't believe in miracles, but her answer was enough to reinforce that belief a hundred fold. She wanted to try, _she_. It wasn't him making petty excuses to turn the new leaf it was all her doing and her forgiveness.

"You are amazing, you know? I thought there was no way you will forgive me for what I've done."

She laughed and looked at him almost as a child would.

"I didn't forgive you Merlin."

The cold chills were back, the hell greeting him once more. Seeing his forlorn look, she rolled her eyes and waved her hand in nonchalance.

"Don't get all gloomy Merlin. Back then you did something that couldn't be forgiven and now it is time for us to start clear. We know who we are and what we are so there is no chance of confusion. As they say, the devil you know..."

He was running on his last nerve. She really did bring him to the brink of insanity. No magic needed. Her presence was more than enough to drive any form of thought away.

"I guess that means you will turn a new page this time?"

A mischief was building in her eyes and he was once more drawn to it.

"We'll see. Who knows- do you deserve my good side Merlin?"

Behind it all, he understood the question and he was at peace with his answer.

"I deserve the worst from you, my betrayal shines so. Also, I deserve the best because of the person you had become and the fact that you didn't turn out to be even bigger evil than you ever were. What I am trying to say, we deserve each other. The history and norm, strings of past which connect us cannot be found anywhere else but in us."

Lying would have been futile and he was tired of it. It looked like she approved it as her eyes locked with his in a teasing smile.

"Are you saying we are inevitable, Merlin? Never saw you as a romantic."

He offered her his own smile. Carefree and at peace, he realized this is the chance he would take.

"Pretty much Morgana."

And let the fates decide if his story was worth of a happy end. She certainly believed so and now maybe so could he.

Her laughter echoed as she took his hand and made him follow her through the park. Like she ever needed to make him do anything, but he realized that also the opposite could be true and that was just the beginning he was hoping for.

The warmth spread through him like it did so long ago, affection, a word he almost forgot. Now in her presence he will be able to rediscover what it means to connect and understand someone else. If his old self could see him now, he would probably have a heart attack, but now he just couldn't care less. Live and learn some would say and now maybe he could put to good use some of those lessons and even enjoy life, discover its magic and bring color in his life.

The sun was shining clearly, the sight of clouds nowhere to be seen.


End file.
